You Promise
by itlookslikerain
Summary: Nothing in particular. Kakashi is just emotionally disturbed, thats all. Oh and he's having obito/rin trouble, i guess i should mention that too.


I demand reviews. (ha)

This is meant to be read after 'Under Apathy' but is sort of a prologue really it doesn't matter at all because it's a completely different and unrelated story. Anyhow, its set five years before the beginning of Shippuden so Kakashi is about 24, and Jiraiya is around late forties I suppose. Rated mainly for language. Vague Gaiden spoilers.

Some good music to listen to: Pyramid Song by Radio Head

He did what he always did.

Now as Kakashi watched her sleeping it seemed surreal. He pulled up the mask and stared at the ceiling for a moment in general indecision. He decided to have a moment more, the color of her hair was perfect, dead on, pale brown with an undertone of honey. So was the length, her shoulders however were too boney, they looked sharp to the touch. But Kakashi had gotten better about ignoring little blemishes.

That night he had been at Iyokan, with Jiraiya, (as usual). He had a drink, a good start. Jiraiya was finally going to hit on that skinny blonde waitress. Considering she was the owner's daughter and it was Jiraiya's favorite bar Kakashi didn't really think it was a brilliant idea, but after a few more drinks he didn't mind so much. Those ideas get fuzzy. He scanned around for one, she was about the right size the hair was right. That was all that really mattered, and he watched, usually that was all he had to do.

The girl moves beneath the covers and Kakashi lines himself up as if ready to pounce. He leans over slightly and moves closer adjusting his mask. He smells her hair and for a moment its all he can see, all he feels. For a moment he forgets what's really going on. He briefly stops dreading the moment she wakes up. Its a slow reverberation but it ends. His emptiness echos back at him from the cold sharp surfaces of vertebra.

Its almost too simple when he offers her a drink and she accepts. She feels safe because she's only having as many as he is. He couldn't be getting her drunk, they're just having a good time. He's getting himself drunk, he has to get pretty drunk or it doesn't work at all. He spews polite humor and nice sugary words, because thats what he has to do. In his head he is hating her, she is a soft, stupid, girl, and her eyes are ... blue.

Really this is the whole purpose. That one second when the girl is asleep and all he can see is her back and the mellow curve of hair against it. The room fades in and out, Kakashi backs away. A soft morning light creeps in. He captures the image in his mind. Kakashi is still a little drunk and he can pretend. Pretend that he didn't break his promise to Obito that night. That he didn't walk away in anger. That he had just... He cranes a little closer so that the thin mesh of his mask is the only thing between her ear and his lips.

When Iyokan closes she is happy to go with him to his apartment. He is passing through the well rehearsed motions. He is promising to love her forever. He lets her see his face for a moment before her turns off the lights. Enough to see he is handsome but only as the fuzzy quality of a dream, no details. She's only visiting Konoha anyway. And then he has left, but she doesn't seem to notice. Although he doesn't think about it, this is also essential, he would have waited for it to be over, he does now.

He tilts his head barely and whispers to her, "... Wake up... Rin."

Rolling over she smiles up at him. She yawns with a petite stretch, "Hm what?" Kakashi blinks away from the harsh sight of her face. He is of course civil, he prepares breakfast for her expertly but does not sit to eat with her. He uses his best expression of regret, he wants to start, but he can't remember her name. He goes boldly forward, "I'm sorry." Apparently his thinking was altered by the affects of alcohol and he is not prepared for a relationship of this sort. Typically this explanation causes the fewest tears.

He let her yell for awhile but she leaves on her own. This one girl threw cereal bowl at him. The door slams shut. He is alone. He wonders up at the ceiling again. He can't keep hurting perfect strangers. Every thing about this is wrong, it's stupid and selfish and fucked up. But something can't let it be gone. It's that one second when her chest is rising and falling that makes it worth while. For a moment he has kept his promise and the pain lifts from his abdomen. He feels so hollow. He's going to stop reliving this eventually. He promised himself he would. But what is that worth?

The only promise he can keeps now is a broken one, in a day that has already passed.

*I'm already going to die*

*Protect her Kakashi*

*Take care of Rin*

* I promise *

you promise


End file.
